When it's the Same, but Different

The second Luke came screaming into the world, my world as I knew it silently slipped away. It took me a bit to navigate my new role and to mesh Nicole + motherhood. Honestly, it wasn't always a pretty process as my independent-self learned how to need help and to be needed in such a constant way. In many ways, my heart felt raw and exposed as a new mom.

me + baby Luke

My time, my energy, my heart, and my mind were suddenly wrapped up in this precious little person. I remember rocking him to sleep in our worn-out vintage rocker and literally feeling the weight of motherhood in my arms. At times, I was so overwhelmed by it (and likely very sleep deprived!) that I would just weep in the middle of the night. Of course, there were many lovely and good pieces that came bundled up with Luke too--there was a tenderness that grew in me and a joy that having a son illuminated.

When I found out I was pregnant with little Samuel, I felt both elated and a little bit fearful. I wondered if a second child would be as much of a life-shifter as having Luke was for me. I wondered if I would have the space and attention to give to two little ones. I feared the impending doom of the nightly nursing sessions and the exhaustion that came with months of fractured sleep.

I didn't know what having two kids would look like.

So now, a little bit of one month in, I would say that much of it is the same, but different.

My bond with Samuel came fiercer and faster than it did with Luke. I loved Luke right away, but it took a little longer for me to feel really connected and bonded with him. Yet, the love I feel for both is unwavering and unrootable (I think I made up that word).

I am tired, like I was when Luke was a baby, but I don't feel the same desperate and chaotic "this will never end!" kind of tired. Maybe it's that I'm more used to less sleep or maybe it's because I know that someday I will sleep more than three hour stretches at a time.

I do have moments when I feel overwhelmed by it all, but it doesn't feel as new and untried as it did with with Luke. I think, "I've been here before. I've felt these things." This time, instead of spending a lot of energy shoving those moments away (for fear of feeling inadequate or vulnerable), I feel them. Josh would nod his head at this since he's witnessed a few of my moments when I was definitely feeling all the things ;)

Probably the biggest change for me this time around is knowing that I do indeed need help. And I need to ask for it. I don't have all the answers. I don't have the energy of a three-year-old at a waterpark. I don't have to do it all. I don't have to be a mother martyr--dried up because she's too prideful to admit she needs and wants help. So, this time around, I've been more willing and less hesitant to ask for help.

We are only a month into this gig and I know that I've just eye-balled the surface of motherhood plus two. I know that there are thousands of moments that I have yet to navigate--a thousand more moments of mothering and loving. And a thousand prayers for patience, humbleness, and wisdom.


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