The second Luke came screaming into the world, my world as I knew it silently slipped away. It took me a bit to navigate my new role and to mesh Nicole + motherhood. Honestly, it wasn't always a pretty process as my independent-self learned how to need help and to be needed in such a constant way. In many ways, my heart felt raw and exposed as a new mom.
me + baby Luke
When I found out I was pregnant with little Samuel, I felt both elated and a little bit fearful. I wondered if a second child would be as much of a life-shifter as having Luke was for me. I wondered if I would have the space and attention to give to two little ones. I feared the impending doom of the nightly nursing sessions and the exhaustion that came with months of fractured sleep.
I didn't know what having two kids would look like.
So now, a little bit of one month in, I would say that much of it is the same, but different.
My bond with Samuel came fiercer and faster than it did with Luke. I loved Luke right away, but it took a little longer for me to feel really connected and bonded with him. Yet, the love I feel for both is unwavering and unrootable (I think I made up that word).
I am tired, like I was when Luke was a baby, but I don't feel the same desperate and chaotic "this will never end!" kind of tired. Maybe it's that I'm more used to less sleep or maybe it's because I know that someday I will sleep more than three hour stretches at a time.
I do have moments when I feel overwhelmed by it all, but it doesn't feel as new and untried as it did with with Luke. I think, "I've been here before. I've felt these things." This time, instead of spending a lot of energy shoving those moments away (for fear of feeling inadequate or vulnerable), I feel them. Josh would nod his head at this since he's witnessed a few of my moments when I was definitely feeling all the things ;)
We are only a month into this gig and I know that I've just eye-balled the surface of motherhood plus two. I know that there are thousands of moments that I have yet to navigate--a thousand more moments of mothering and loving. And a thousand prayers for patience, humbleness, and wisdom.