I'm so thankful to have Davy here on the blog today to share her story. I've appreciated reading her blog and getting an honest perspective on the journey through infertility. I hope that you too can listening to her story (maybe some of you relate) and learn about some practical ways to support other families who are in the same place.
Hello, Nicole Joelle readers! My name is Davy, and I am happy to be sharing with you today. Nicole and I go way back in real life, all the way to high school youth group. While our lives have only intersected occasionally since then, we have kept track of each other through blogging.
Nicole asked me to share about my journey through infertility and beyond, so here goes.
Two months before he started law school, my husband and I married and moved across the country. Kids did not exactly fit into the one-income, law school life phase, so we decided to wait for a while. Once law school ended and we moved back near family, the natural next step was to start a family. We said we would have three biological kids, then adopt. I said we would adopt four; my husband wasn’t convinced about the large number, but we didn’t have to decide yet. After all, the biological kids would be coming along first. Any day now.
A year later, I mentioned our trouble conceiving to a doctor. She said it was still early, but we could try one of the “least expensive” tests just in case. Seven hundred dollars later, we had the results of one test that showed nothing wrong. If that was “least expensive,” we were definitely not ready to try anything else.
Add another year, MANY negative pregnancy tests, innumerable tears, and another move. Google told me that trouble conceiving could be caused by stress, moving, caffeine, and many more typical aspects of our lives. So, we tried cutting those things out. Have you ever tried to become less stressed? It’s stressful, right? Time for more tests. More hundreds of dollars, and still all of the tests returned “normal.” Then, my husband received a job offer across the country, so we moved again.
Now, we were serious about this infertility thing. I was going to get healthy and relax, even go without a job for a while. I started working out and making healthy food. Getting a lot of sleep and continuing to avoid coffee. We found a new doctor, did more tests, and tried medication. Thousands of dollars and many emotional scars later, everything was still “normal.” Our next option was exploratory surgery, just to see if anything was wrong on the inside. And, we could start repeating tests again. We opted out. I absolutely hate medical stuff. Needles? No thank you. Doctors up in my business? Please, no. Invasive procedures? NOOOOO! We were emotionally and physically done with this infertility stuff. The day I would have had to schedule the next procedure, my husband came to me and said, “Let’s adopt instead.” What a relief! Adoption had always been on our hearts, but now it looked like the best and only option.
Nothing about this process has been easy. We know that adoption is not easy, either. Right now, we are pursuing adoption through the foster care system. Our prayer of “Lord, please give us a baby” has changed to “Lord, please place whomever you want into our family however you please.” We are trying to fasten our seatbelts for the ride.
Nicole asked me to share how to encourage someone dealing with infertility. Here are a few thoughts:
- Acknowledge her struggle - If you have pregnancy news, share it gently, acknowledging that it may cause her pain.
- Be thoughtful - Complain about your pregnancy symptoms to a different friend.
- Include her - If you are having a baby shower, play date, or kid’s birthday party, invite her. Even better, ask her if she wants to be invited to those types of events. People handle infertility differently. Many of us seclude ourselves. Others need to be with children. In my experience, it was better to be invited with the option to decline than to be thoughtfully left out.
- Ask questions, offer prayers, give hugs, and provide distractions - Be a friend. Infertility is only one type of struggle. My husband and I have been most encouraged by those friends and family members who are willing to roll up their sleeves and come alongside us in our struggle.
This page is specifically about helping a friend through infertility. If you have any questions or want to learn more, please reach out to me through my blog, Davy Jolene.