Most days, my everyday life is mixture of fullness, contentment, joy, and thankfulness for the moments that make up each day. I feel like I know where and who I am. I get to hang with my blue-eyed boy who is so full of life and smiles :) And then when his daddy gets home, I get to spend time with that handsome guy who listens to my ideas, encourages me, and doesn't complain when there are piles of laundry :)
But then there are moments (or days/weeks) when I just wonder if I'm using up my life well. Often, my dreams/hopes seem bigger than my budget or the time I have. Or I wonder if I'm really where I should be and if I am doing enough. Maybe these moments are a result of a little boredom, maybe a little envy of watching other's ideas parachute into big, beautiful adventures, or maybe too much looking around for affirmation instead of looking up.
Even though I really don't like how these moments can leave me feeling a little unsure and full of questions, I think that they also give me a chance to evaluate this season of my life.
This season might be filled with diaper changes, watching Luke walk around with books (all.the.day.long), morning walks in ridiculously muggy mornings, preparing meals, going on errands, folding laundry, cleaning, etc, it can also be a season of waiting, going, dreaming, and trying new things.
I think it boils down to fearing both wasting my life or wasting my everyday.
For example, I don't want to neglect ideas and hopes I have because I am afraid they are too much or too big to actually do--because they really could be too big and too much, but I serve a God who is historically in the business of making things happen and doing some crazy things with everyday people. But, I don't want miss out on the pieces that make up my everyday because I am living in my field of planted dreams instead of the plentiful crop I have right now.
I've been thinking a lot about how the everyday doesn't need to live separately from the someday. I can live and celebrate the simplicity and joy that my life has right now. I can rest in that. But, even while I am tending to this season's garden, I can also throw out seeds for the future. Some of those seeds will die, some will sprout out beauty, some will be surprises, and some will need some tending to grow. Even if my future crop looks like weeds instead of roses when I get to it, my hope is not in those things anyway--my hope is in Christ.
Right now, the thing that really has been staring me in the face is whether I am placing my hope in having all my ideas work out or putting my hope in Christ and the work He has for me and has done for me. Because those things only equal that I am enough and that I have enough--nothing subtracts or adds to that. Through Him I have an inheritance and eternal life. Whoosh--such good news, the gospel is, isn't it?
What do you think about it? How do you live presently and also not feel like you are missing out on something? Or how do you pray boldly for big dreams but also not grow discontent when all those things aren't happening--when life feels more like rereading the same book instead of reading a new, exciting novel?
Just some rambling thoughts.