I've never been popular. Liked, yes, but not popular.
I'm not a super "fun" (well, I'm not crazy adventurous or the life-of-the-party type) person. I like to think and chat. I'm perfectly content to sit across the table with someone and not do much of anything. Actually, I enjoy that :)
For a lot of my life, I've felt a little like I don't know how to communicate myself to others. On one hand, I talk too much. On another, I can be observant and appear stand-offish.
I'm also never been super concerned with being trendy and in. Of course, I like to dress nice, but I've struggled to figure out what that looks like. I'm finally starting to know it's okay to not be the trendiest and cutest. For many, keeping up with the fads and wearing them well is simple and fun, but for me, it's kinda exhausting and overwhelming. Give me some simple layers and I'm good. I do have a Stitchfix box coming soon--thank goodness for other people who want to pick out clothes for me!
(I mean, if I can rock this, than I can rock anything!)
I put too much stock in how I am perceived, and then I worry about it. I think:
I bet she was annoyed by me because I talked too much.
I bet she'd rather call so-and-so for coffee because so-and-so wears ankle boots and patterned leggings. She's probably more fun.
Man, I am just blubbering...what am I even saying? I bet she thinks x, y, and z about me.
Lately, I've been thinking about the yuck of how easily I inwardly process my relationships with others based on how I think they are perceiving me. This processing often leads me to believing that I shouldn't bother trying to dig in deeper with so-and-so because of reason A, B, or C.
And this is not good. I realize how damaging it can be to think in this way.
So, I'm working on letting this go. Letting go of the lie that I should be different or it would be better if I were. I'm letting go of filtering my relationships based how how I think I'm being perceived. I'm letting go of wishing to be more x, y, z and ignoring how I am.
I'm working on holding onto what is true: that God created me like no other and that He made me for a purpose. And, also, that I can't measure my worth on how I think others see more or how they actually do.
Sometimes, when I need the extra reminder, I read this book to Luke (thanks, Grandma!). As simple as it is, it's true.
He thought it all over, He made me just right
I make him happy, I am his delight
When I look in the mirror, I see his touch--
'Cause God made me special, and he loves me very much.
Do you ever feel this way? What verses/encouragement/tools do you use to combat it?
(see all the posts from 31 Days of Letting Go and Holding On}