Thursday, June 6, 2013

To All the Single Ladies

It feels a little weird to write this post after having a baby just weeks ago.

Because not only am I not single, but I am also a new mother.

But, I wanted to talk to the single ladies from the other side. I know it can be slightly annoying when women (who seem to have what you desire...a hubby and a family) tell you that they remember their single days and tell you to enjoy them because they were such good days.

I remember ladies telling me that and would inwardly roll my eyes and think...They are only saying that because they have everything they want. They don't really remember. Yes, these are good days, but what if...

What if a man never likes and pursues me? What if I never get married? What if I fall in love and then heartbreak follows? What if I have to provide for myself for the rest of my life? What if I never have children?

What if?

These were all legitimate questions and honest worries that burrowed into my heart during my single days. I had never really dated (seriously) before I met Josh and often wondered if any guy would ever like me.

And if I brought up the concern with someone, I would often hear...well, when you are focused on your relationship with God and when you're not looking, then he will show up...

I've been thinking about that prevalent thought in the Christian community (especially among women).

And, honestly, I don't think that's true. At all.

We say that because we don't want you to spend all your time worrying and worshiping the idea of marriage and family. But, it's not true.

Singleness is not solved with a magic "if you do this, if you are this...then..." formula. Plus, I don't think that singleness needs to be solved :)

I want to tell you single ladies something from the other side.

Marriage is lovely + good. But marriage does not fill your happy tank to the brim. It cannot, and will not, fulfill you.

God didn't create marriage to do that.

Motherhood is sweet + such a gift. But motherhood will not complete you.

God didn't create motherhood to do that.

I often thought that marriage and motherhood would make me more of a woman. But you know what? They can't. And they haven't.

Who I am is rooted in Christ. If I believe that my marriage or my new motherhood is the source of my identity, I am believing a lie.

I am writing to you ladies because I wish that more people (especially women) would help you embrace your season--not pressure you to find Mr. Right or look at you like you're not enough.

I want you to know that I do remember pieces of those days--the fun, the deep heartache of waiting, the freedom,  the challenges, and the wishing for a new season. They were such a funny mix of some of the best + hardest years.

I remember them, but I am not in them. I am on the other side. But, what I hope you know, is that you are valued and loved. You do not need a ring to make you more. You do not need a babe to embrace who you are as a woman.

There is nothing wrong with wanting those things, but there is also no harm in embracing and enjoying your singleness. I remember fearing, when I was single, that if I enjoyed being single too much, then I would never get married or have a family. Looking back, it was a pretty irrational fear.

The only thing you need is Christ. Because when you are sitting next to your sweetheart or soothing a little one, you will not be able to detach yourself from that truth.

And, also, if you feel lonely--that's okay. I think that's a natural + normal response--but don't camp out in lonely land. It's not the best place. So, you can always write cheesy love letters to your future mister in a tacky journal with a ladybug on it to make you feel a little better. I promise you'll get a kick of yourself someday :)

Especially if you write something like this:


ps. I was 16 when I wrote that. Don't judge :) I was a horrible cheesy 16-year-old...goodness!


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2 comments:

  1. Thank you for this :) It was a beautiful and heartfelt message, and I really, really appreciate it!

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  2. Beautiful words, Nicole. I married my high school sweetheart 4 days after I graduated. (I was still 17---NO I wasn't pregnant!)
    Tomorrow, is our 33rd anniversary!
    As much as I love him, our grown daughters & our grandkids...they are not responsible for my own happy tank. You are so right-on with that advice.
    My advice to young women has always been, if you're looking for someone to make you happy~~you'll never find him.
    Your honesty, your faith and your love brought tears to my eyes. You, Nicole, are young....and so mature & wise. I SO enjoy watching you grow & spread your wings!! ;)

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