It's actually been bugging me. You know--those ideas that keep circling around and around.
Sometimes I'm a look forward kinda gal and forget to be where I am.
Especially during this time while Josh finishes school, I sometimes feel like we playing house. We are practicing for when life begins.
Funny thing is, life is here. Today. We are living it, not going to live it.
It's not to say that I am not content here, because honestly, I feel content. I don't feel unhappy or sad (oh, there are a moments of sadness, etc, but they aren't how I feel most of the time). I have so many full things in my life :)
But, sometimes, I feel like I'm treading water--moving, but not going anywhere.
I have lots of dreams, desires, and hopes buoying around me--bobbing around in sight.
The one on my mind the most lately: being a mom.
I see so many of my lovely friends (online and in real life) loving their role as a mother. I go to lots of baby showers and talk about baby stuff with ladies. I love to hold and cuddle the babies. Sometimes, I long to shop in the baby section for my baby--not someone else's.
But, I'm not a mom.
And there have been tears at times. Even when we weren't anticipating any bundles...the desire just cut deep sometimes.
Now, as we think more seriously about babies, I realize that my hopes, fears, and dreams might be met with bringing a baby home soon or they could explode into a time of waiting or pain.
So, back to that thought that has been swirling around.
I may feel like I'm treading water, but treading is part of building up strength and endurance. Treading water allows me to experience where I am.
I don't want to focus so hard on the buoys that I miss everything else. I want to experience the sea around me, feel the waves, enjoy the cool water running between my toes...
I want to be where I am.
I want to enjoy days of just Josh and Nicole--morning of reading (or eating chinese food!) in bed and spontaneous dates. I want to enjoy this blog--and not think about what I'd like to write about next month. I want to write about what is in the present.
And, if I'm at Target and it's pouring rain, I can go to Starbucks, read my new book, and wait for the rain to stop--if I want.
Because that's how life is. I can enjoy waiting for the rain to stop, or I can be impatient and annoyed that it won't stop.
Ultimately, I don't want to ignore God's voice in the present and demand what I want for the future. I never know what He has waiting for me. I truly want to be ready to use the gifts He has given me for now, instead of waste them on impatience :) I believe that He has a purpose for each season in my life--a beautiful and good purpose. I don't want to be that light that hides under a bushel--no!
Do any of you feel like you are treading water? How do you focus on where you are?