On being an adult...

When I was five, I wanted to be a grown-up.

Now, I want to be five.

Today we had to make an adult decision, but I wanted to channel my inner sixteen-year-old naive self and do what I wanted.

We had so many plans for this summer--not one of them has happened.

In February, I needed to decide my summer work schedule. Since we were hoping for an internship for Josh (and I would go where he went), I told my boss I didn't need any hours.

And now I'm jobless for the summer.

That same week we had to decide about continuing our lease or not. We decided to end it in May so we would be free to move where Josh got an internship and not have to pay for rent in two places.

And now we are moving and between leases for a month.

One month without a lease = finding a creative living situation.

And then we saw the silver lining--no rent for month meant we could travel and take that trip we've wanted to go on so badly.

So, we decided to go on a trip to Guatemala for ten days during the first part of June.

We arranged hotels, transportation, puppy sitting for Mac, etc.

Tonight, we took a fine tooth comb to the budget and realized that this trip's expenses were building up fast. Vaccines (so dang expensive!). Food. Transportation. Etc. We had that moment when we realized it was too much.

(ps. don't do a 1-day food cleanse on a day that you are making hard decisions. Eat carbs!)

That moment where my eighteen-year-old self would have said, "I don't care! Let's do it!"

But, my 27-year-old self says, "Please be a good steward of what you have."

Hope shattered by reality. Desire broken by practicality. Feeling like a boring adult...

Now, as I sit here, I wonder. Which is better?

Practicality in her neatness but lack of excitement. Or abandon in her fun but filled with repercussions.

I hate being tangled in the web of reality and dreams--trying to flail myself into some sort of understanding with the two.

This decision got me thinking about other passions and dreams that I have. I like to think of them as brewing, but maybe it is me just being safe. I like to keep my life safe; my hopes protected.

But, I have a feeling that safe ground is not the most futile soil for sprouting dreams. Safe ground is ten miles from the nearest highway and covered by trees--no one can see it and no one can cultivate it. Sometimes I think that the prettiest flowers have the audacity to plant themselves right next to the interstate--next to all types of risks and scary semi trucks (I hate them!!)!

Perhaps there is time for risks and a time for waiting. I suppose I need faith for both of them.

I do think that we have to say no to some things in our life to open up other things. We sometimes have to step back and breath--take it all in--before running on to the next. Sometimes we'll have disappointing moments. Sometimes we'll have wonderful moments. I choose to be grateful for each moment--even when it's hard.

Right now, even though I am bummed about not going to Guatemala, I feel hopeful for things to come and thankful for all that we have. In the long scheme of things, it could be a lot worse! I have food. I have shelter. I have a loving family. I have a husband who delights in me. I have a healthy body. I have a silly, silly dog. I have a job. I have hopes and dreams. I have a future.

But, most importantly, I know a God who holds me, loves me, and dreams with me...


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